Here is a collection of jokes, humours stories, one-liners (maybe two-liners also related to Assam and the Assamese. These are meant for fun only. No disrespect is intended to anyone. raam aaru ajodhya Two friends were talking in a restaurant. One guy was telling the other a story,
"I knew a truck driver named Ajodhya. One day he drank a bottle of Rum and died instantly. He had too much alcohol".
The other friend said,
"That is preposterous. No truck driver will die drinking just one bottle of alcohol!".
His friend replied,
"Well, if you dont believe me, I cannot do anything. I have no proof. Xei raamo naai, xei ajodhyaao naai!"
Contributed by : Dipankar Talukdar
Fifth hand of Vishnu (This one has to be told in Assamese)
One Goxaai is explaining the 'Kirtan' to an assembled crowd. When he came to the line xangkha sakra gadaa padma karata tomaar, there was a inquiring voice from the back row
"goxaai deo, bhagawaan bishnur saarikhanhe haat. xangkha, sakra, gadaa, padma to haat saarikhanat thaakil. pise karatkhan kat thaba?"
Goxaai thought for a moment and answered
"kiya, kaaxalatir talat!"
Contributed by : Dipankar Talukdar
Sanskrit Lessons (This one is for those of us who took Sanskrit in school and sort of liked the subject. It uses the "xabdarup" , the word variations for different cases/singular-plural, for the word "aham", meaning first-person, I )
First line: aham aawaam bayam
Assamese translation: aamar etaa boiyaam aase
Second line: maam, maa aawaam,nou asmaan,nah
Assamese translation: aamaar maai taate aasraar thai
Contributed by : Dipankar Talukdar
Assamese Hindi 1 Two Assamese friends go to a restaurant in Delhi and orders two cups of tea.
"Do Sah lao" ("Do Chai lao")
So the waiter brings two plates of Dosa to them. After much confusion they accept the Dosa and ask for two spoons.
"Ok, Ok, Do Samos lao" ("Do Chammach lao")
So the waiter brings two Samosas this time :)
Contributed by Sanjeev K Bordoloi (bordy@uts.cc.utexas.edu)
Contributor's Note: This one is about how great our Assamese way of speaking Hindi is. (This sounds much better when spoken though.)
Assamese Hindi 2 An Assamese and three Biharis go to Chacha's chai shop and the Assamese proudly orders, "Sasa, Sasa! sar sai" (Chacha, Chacha! char chai) The Biharis starts making jokes at his pronounciations. The next time these foursome go to Chacha's shop, the Biharis ask the Assamese guy to order for four cups of tea. Chastised, the Assamese orders, "Sasa Sasa, teen sai aur ek jyada."
Contributed by : Navaneet Dutt(ndutt@eos.ncsu.edu)
Contributor's note: This joke is also on Hindi-speaking ability of Assamese. BTW, this is based on a true incident in Delhi University in mid-80s. As Sanjeev pointed out, these jokes are better heard than read.
Assamese Hindi 3 One Assamese person was going home in a rickswa. Suddenly he said
"Hey rickswawalla, rickswa rokho, hum giregaa".
Rickswawalla replied,"Babu, aap nahi girenge, mein thik se chalaa raahaa hun".
The person exclaimed,"Hum idharhi girega. ye hamaaraa ghar haai!!"
Contributed by : Dipankar Talukdar
Assamese Hindi 4 (Here is another one. This one is true by the way. Enjoy.)
A bihari 'haazira-kaam-kora' guy (lets call him Ramooa) came to an Assamese home (in Jorhat) to fix the roof. As he was hurrying to climb the ladder to get to the roof, the lady of the house noticed that the ladder was getting too shaky. So she felt it necessary to warn the guy and of course she has to do it in Hindi. She loudly warned -
" Hey Ramooa, laahe laahe uthega, porega to komora poradi porega. Haat-theng bhaangi jayega".
The guy must have understood. He respectfully obliged - "Jee Memsaab" as he stopped right there and very carefully continued his steps.
Contributed by : Vijeet Sharma
Assamese Hindi 5 (This is a true story happened during the early days of Assam agitation - before govt brutality started, even before Khargeswar T. was killed)
This is what happened one day: after a day long `dharna' in front of the local SDC office, few friends and I went to a tea shop (`hotel' as we call there) nearby. This tea shop was owned by a Marwari (still does) and all workers were non-Assamese. Among our group (about 4/5, I think) was a friend of mine, let me call him Bordoloi (who would later become a local student leader - sort of - you'll know why in a moment!) who used to show off (still does) more than he knew. For example, speaking fluent Hindi!! (and English, of course). Anyway, we ordered tea and something else - and as always the number of tea was less than the number of people (we were students)- so there were couple of `pilots' as well (those who does not know what `pilot' is - zeees, where did you grow up, man?). Anyway, the tea came but was not sweet enough, so we asked the `powali' to bring some sugar which he did after grudging approval from the manager! The `powali' started taking spoonful of sugar from a glass/bowl he was carrying and put in our cups and stirred - he proceeded to do so till Mr Bordoloi's cup and before Mr B can say anything did the same thing to Mr B's cup of tea. Mr B jumped up from his seat and shouted
"Tum wonha par ghutu ghutu karke yanha par kinyu dubu dubu karta hai? Janta nahi moi lokar jutha khata nahi?"
(why you are stirring my cup (with the same spoon) after you did stir others' cups? don't you know I don't like to eat off from others `jutha'? - please fogive my transliteration, but hope you understand what Mr B said).
It took us and few others few seconds to understand what was happening - after that the tea shop bursted with laughter. We still talk about that incident when Mr B is not present - not surprisingly he does not like to hear that or even deny that such an incident ever happened!
Contributed by : Sanjib Bhuyan
Say Cheese Q: What do you say when you pose for a photograph in the US?
A: You say "Cheeeeeeese".
Q: What do you say when you pose for a photograph in Assam?
A: You say "Bilaheeeeeee" (Tomato)
Contributed by: Sanjeev K Bordoloi (bordy@uts.cc.utexas.edu)
Raam Raam Hari Hari This Panda (priest) from Kamakshya temple goes to attend a cocktail party during his New York trip. He has the habit of taking God's name in every line he speaks. His American host asks,
"What would you like to drink, oh holy one?"
Our Panda panics and replies,
"Me? Drink? Raam, Raam, Raam, Raam."
So the host brings him a glass of Rum and asks,
"Would you like some ice on it?"
Our Panda panics and says,
"Hori, Hori, Hori, Hori."
The host "hurried"ly puts some ice onto the drink. Looking at that, our Panda says,
"Shiva, Shiva, Shiva, Shiva."
Confused, the host brings him a glass of Chivas Regal this time.
Finally, the Panda gives up and sits down on the floor for a long time to do his rituals. When he tries to get up, he realizes that blood circulation to his legs stopped and his legs have gone numb. So his host asks,
"How do your legs feel? Do you want any drink to relieve it?"
The Panda replies,
"My legs feel like jin-jin."
So the host brings him a glass of Gin!
Contributed by: Sanjeev K Bordoloi (bordy@uts.cc.utexas.edu)